Fly

It’s funny, I looked at my last post and it was a song. This post as well is a song. A HUGE reason I love music is that it is relate-able. I find the feelings and struggles put into words of a song and I wish to share it so those who know me, know I struggle, can possibly understand what I lack the words to say. I am posting the lyrics, bold the words that stick out the most, and I will include the video. Enjoy listening! So, without any further adieu….., the song is Fly by Nicki Minaj.

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly

I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I’m still an angel aways

Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me

Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood

They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I’m just surmising
I win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly

Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint they own pictures, then they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins

‘Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation

I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
See we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain’t got no time to spare

Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay’s become yea’s
Yankee Stadium with Jay’s and Kanye’s

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly

Get ready for it, get ready for it, get ready for it
I came to win
Get ready for it, get ready for it, get ready for it

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly

Read more: Nicki Minaj – Fly Lyrics | MetroLyrics

What song(s) speak to you? Do you have a theme song or even a theme song playlist?

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We are Beautiful, In This Skin

There is this song that I often forget about, until I hear it come on shuffle on my Ipod. It got me thinking that it should be our theme song! There is so much out there ‘telling’ us to be unhappy with ourselves in many aspects: Talent, work, body, behavior, looks, etc. Women and girls fight, judge, and compete so much because if these ideas society puts out there. We shouldn’t! We each know what it feels like, have been there and we should be the ones to offer the love and support (without judgement or competition) because we know, understand. We all hurt because of it. I wanted to share the lyrics from http://www.azlyrics.com (bolds are mine) and the video so you can hear it.

“In This Skin”

They see me in a magazine
I’m the one they want to be
Still don’t feel I’m good enough
Still don’t feel I’m thin enough

I stand up and I’m pushed back down
And every opinion now
It makes me feel inhuman
Givin’ in and givin’ up

To be worthy
To feel beautiful in this skin
Be beautiful in this skin
Love me for me
Have confidence in this skin
Be confident in this skin

So tell me what is wrong with me
I’m the girl with everything
So why am I not strong enough
I want to be strong enough
To tell you how I really feel
I know my talent is real
So don’t tell me
Don’t tell me
I have to be 102
I don’t have nothing to prove
So don’t tell me
Don’t tell me

Cause I am worthy
To feel beautiful in this skin
Be beautiful in this skin
Love me for me
Have confidence in this skin
Be confident in this skin
Be real, be real
See the beauty inside this skin
I don’t have to hide this skin
I feel, I feel
An awakening in this skin
Stop forsaking me in this skin

I am, I am, I am, I am
I am, I am, I am
oooohhhhh
To be
Worthy
Be beautiful
Love me
For me
Cause I am beautiful

To be worthy
To feel beautiful in this skin
Be beautiful in this skin
Love me for me
Have confidence in this skin
Be confident in this skin
Be real, be real
See the beauty inside this skin
Cause I don’t want to have to hide it
I feel, I feel
I’m beautiful in this skin
Beautiful in this skin
I’m beautiful
And your beautiful
Beautiful in this skin
I’m beautiful
And you are beautiful
Beautiful in this skin

I hope you have a great day! Your beautiful and worthy!!!

Is Friendship Different Now?

We move quite a bit.

I have ever since I was a kid.

Every move I have had to get out and meet people, make friends.

This is nothing new to me.

In the last 3 years I have had difficulty making friends. I have spent days, months analyzing what I did wrong, how I could have done it differently, other places to meet people and yet no connections were made. How does a driven, social person fail so badly at something that, usually, comes naturally? Then, a thought came to me: How we treat friends are different from when I was younger and even my ‘younger’ adult days.

Remember when you were middle school-high school age (even elementary, for some) you would be at home, finally given into the battle of chores you have to complete or maybe you just felt rotten and lashed out, getting yourself grounded. Unknowingly your friend from down the street was coming to see if you could play. Mom (or Dad) would tell your friend when they knocked on the door either 1) you would be out in a few minutes because you had a chore (or 5) to finish, 2) you are grounded and they could come back another time, or 3) Sure you could play (because you didn’t get in trouble and you had finished what you needed to do).

I remember that, it happened daily to me. The only ‘call ahead’, ‘planned’ things were sleepovers (which happened spontaneously sometimes) and parties.

In my 12 years of being married, there have been 2 places I have lived that ‘mirrored’ this natural, random, lets-see-what-they-are-doing-and-hang-out, ease of friendship. Where I am now, isn’t one of those places.

Just recently I have noticed that most of my get-togethers with friends have to be scheduled, planned, penciled in, put on the calendar. It hurts that within a friendship you feel that is NOT ok to just drop by, that you would be brushed aside or inconveniencing them by doing so. Also, scheduling time ‘alternating’ days/time spent with friends, cycling through each month, it looses that special ‘friend’ feel and makes it a competition: ‘Who can get to me first and claim this day?’; you get side-tracked or last-minute NEED social time, too bad. Someone has already scheduled that day. The places I am use to having to schedule time are doctor offices, the dentist, therapy, etc. Medical things. When did spending time with a friend get so close to what you go through to see a medical professional?!

I get it. We are busy. We have kids. We need family time. We need house cleaning time. We need spousal time. I remember being invited to hang out while the other person cleaned. Hell, I remember going to hang out, helping to clean so I can spend time with my friend. It didn’t bother me! I was able to be around someone dear to me while helping. I mean really, who like cleaning by themselves?! It makes time go by faster, your finished quicker, and Hey! Loo you now have that time to sit and talk or play a game! It’s a WIN/WIN for everyone!

I have gone over to just be in the presence of a friend. What do I mean by that? Well, I wanted to read my book, but I didn’t want to be alone…… so, I went over to a FRIEND’S and we sat in the same room, each reading our own book, just being together. It was awesome! I have yet to do that again even with that same person. Reading has become a solo activity in which if you want to read, stay home and don’t bother coming over just to sit. “I don’t have time for that” feel.

No wonder I feel alone.

Revelation

This has been coming on for weeks. After last Thursday, my post of disappearing and no one would notice, I have been able to put into words what I actually mean by that.

I have also had change therapists…, which for some of my major anxiety has been taking a toll. My new therapist is actually pretty good, an expert in anxiety and stress (which if you know me, is a match). He assured me that one of my anxiety, which affects my life daily and is a HUGE aggravation to me is an easy fix. Yay!! We were to proceed with the process to start correcting that. Then, I had my day last week.

Have you ever felt trapped, imprisoned, suffocating, helpless, desperate, or like your drowning? I have…, I do. Consistently, every day.
Have you felt abandoned,invisible, worthless, like you don’t matter? I do, everyday. Sometimes, I wish I could not care. To forget and exclude people, make them feel the way I do. But, I can’t. Now I know why, it’s a simple answer really…, though I didn’t understand or know why before. The reason: That is not who I am.

I am a very social person. I thrive on it. I grow, learn, love, live it. The core of who I am is social, I NEED it. I am emotionally and mentally invested. I do not take friendships lightly. I am there. All in. What happens when someone who is like this doesn’t have those needs met? It’s what has been happening to me, is happening right now. It’s killing me. I am actually dying inside not having what I need to live off of.

Some of you may not understand or think I am being overly dramatic or putting my happiness in others…., but you see, I am whole when I have social connection. It is just as big of a thing for me to live as food and water. I know not everyone is like this and believe me if I could…., I would give anything to not be this way or need it!!!! But it is me, as a person. It is part of my make up, my soul. And it is dying little by little.

I did not realize this until my therapist laid it out for me. Someone who has only seen me once a week, for one hour, and only one month can tell. I couldn’t. But when he said it, all the pieces fit. It made sense. It’s why I feel everything so much. A turned down request to hang out is like a huge rejection. It is crazy! But now I know. I found that I am so exhausted, not because I am active (I really haven’t been, except for a workout) but because mentally and emotionally I am running a never-ending marathon and it exhausts my body the same way. I just wish I could gain the muscles and stamina as if I did it physically.

For two years I have thrown myself into social situations, desperate for connection and friendship, only to have nothing come of it. I am now beaten down. To make matters worse, my therapist cannot start work on the problem. The reason? No matter what we do, it will not be fixed unless I get connected socially. Because I am a social being, it is who I am, and I am dying from being so wholly disconnected…, we cannot begin to fix it. I’m screwed. I’m stuck. I hate it here. I want to leave. I am dying inside and no one cares. I can’t make them care. I wish more than anything I was NOT this way. I can’t do this.

Vegan Pot Pie

Since becoming vegan, I had yet to have or make a pot pie. My family has liked pot pies but we usually bought the frozen variety (I was too lazy to make one homemade). I know that there is a frozen vegan pot pie you can buy, but for the price I would be the only one to get one and I would need to make something for the rest of the family. So, I googled recipes and found a pretty simple process. I do not remember which site I found this recipe so, I just want to verify that it is not my recipe. Here goes.

Ingredients
1 1/2 packages of firm tofu, drained, patted dry and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
2 small sweet potatoes, diced
1 cup chopped carrots
3 cloves garlic, minced (I used my nifty garlic press)
1 1/2 cup chopped chard
1/2 onion, diced
2 9-inch pie crusts (I found a whole wheat frozen at Whole Foods that had no dairy or eggs in it)
Salt & Pepper
Olive Oil
1 1/3 cup water
1/2 cup nutritional yeast (plus some extra)
1/4 cup flour
3 tablespoons olive oil
2-3 tablespoons soy sauce
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 350 F.
2. Heat in a large pot of water. Boil carrots and sweet potatoes for about 10-12 minutes.
3. Meanwhile, warm olive oil in a large saute pan. Toss cubed tofu with a little nutritional yeast (the extra I
mentioned earlier), just enough to coat-this will help it fry up with some flavor (oddly enough, it smells like chicken). Saute onions and garlic for a few minutes; add tofu to pan, season with salt and pepper, and cook for another 7-10 minutes or so.
4. When potatoes and carrots are done boiling, drain and add to saute pan with tofu. Add chard and stir, cooking for another few minutes until chard has cooked down. Remove from heat.
5. Mix gravy ingredients (last 7 ingredients, from water to pepper) in a sauce pan over medium-high heat, stirring constantly until it thickens (about 7-9 minutes).
6. Taste gravy and tofu mix. Add more seasoning if desired. Add half the gravy to tofu mix and stir. Spoon tofu mix into 1st pie crust. Add rest of the gravy to the top and cover with 2nd pie crust.
7. Bake for 1 hour. Let sit for 10-15 minutes before serving. Enjoy!

*Note, if you bought frozen pie crusts…, thaw before you begin this process. If you are like me and didn’t…., place one crust at a time in microwave and speed thaw for 40 seconds. Repeat with second crust.

I was really happy that all my boys enjoyed this. My husband detests sweet potatoes. Even though he knew they were in there, he said they didn’t taste like sweet potatoes and it all just tasted good. I hope you enjoy this as much as we did. If you end up making this yourself…, come back and leave a comment to let me know how you like it! Have a great day!!!

Typing

So, I started using a typing program to learn how to “properly” type. I did not take typing in school and then I was homeschooled and the typing was fairly new and it was not easy to come by a program. Also, computers were just starting to become a common item in the home. I am now trying to practice whenever I am on the computer. Do you realize how difficult it is to change how I have been getting by for years? I do now! Not cool.

With the above experience, I have decided that my kids are going to start this typing program so they do not have the same difficulty I have.

This post is short and sweet but with my typing abilities where they currently stand…., it would take me far too long to type out more. I also don’t know what else I could really say on typing.

Nothing New, the Normal Chaos

So, I have been MIA. Not because I wanted to this time. I have wanted to get on and make a few posts on some things I have been thinking on and that has been weighing heavily on my heart. Then, one of my little boys became sick. Not just a cold. It involved a trip to the ER, then a doctor appointment the next day which only gave us the answer of a respiratory virus (Personally, I am thinking the flu, but I’m not a doctor) which put him down for 5 days. The third day of his illness me and the littlest boy came down with it. Thankfully, there was no puking (I can’t handle the puke!!), but it laid me out for 4 days. I am juts able to sit up and keep my eyes open long enough to be on the computer and watch some tv. I am still coughing, have a slight fever, sneezing, and sore throat. My little guy is running around even though his eyes look so bad. Now it seems that my oldest boy has caught it, but we will see. My husband has been a trooper! He has made me pancakes so I will eat something, cuddled me when I was miserable and needed it, fed the kids, cleaned the house, ran around doing temperature checks, giving Motrin and Tylenol when needed, and even slept miserably to keep a watch on me and the little one.

Speaking of my wonderful husband, he also surprised me and bought him and myself new laptops!!! I love it, it is very nice! Two laptops do seem a bit much but with taxes, we were talking about him upgrading his desktop computer. While researching we found this awesome laptop with a great video card and getting 2 would be cheaper than upgrading his desktop. Also, it solves the problem of my broken laptop. Do you know how hard it is to go without a laptop after having one for a long time? Also sharing 1 desktop between me, the husband, and the kids?!! Needless to say, the hubby and I can be on at the same time and the desktop is free for the boys to use in turn and for school work. It all worked out nicely!!!

I also got the job I have been wanting and waiting for. I signed my paperwork, did the background check, and was only waiting for my employee id to come in when I got hit with this horrible virus. And who should call last night to say it’s in? That’s right, my new job! I am so upset but since I am working with kids, I have to make sure I am over this and not contagious. So, here is to a fast recovery!!!!

I hope all is well with you. I hope to be back more often and soon!

Hobbies: Things of Interest

Hobbies. Most everyone has at least one, some have more.

I’d like to think I have a hobby or several. In all my years I can tell you all the things that interest me, the things I have attempted, the things I want to learn more about. And yet, I cannot tell you for certainty what hobby/hobbies I have.

Aren’t hobbies suppose to be something (or things) you enjoy and are naturally good at?

Everytime I begin to pursue an interest that I feel I have a small natural ability (knack) for, I come across so many other people and friends that have the same interest or an even better knack for it and I become discouraged. Now, you might say it is wonderful to share an activity or interest with friends or so many people and yes, it is nice. I find that I do not get jealous (maybe a tad) but honestly I am proud to know my friends who can create and do these things with the talent they have. My main frustration is these friends get “known” for the talent and what they can do and I find myself wondering: “What am I ‘known‘ for?”.

It may seem selfish, petty, or superficial; but it really does stay with me and it does bother me. It affects me as well because I notice piles of things, from what feels like failed attempts, around the house. They seem to taunt me, saying that “You were not good enough in this”, ” Look at so-and-so, they were far better in this then you’ll ever be” , and “Why do you even bother?”. I understand that there will always be someone better at all whatever the hobby. I just seem to find them immediately when I begin to pursue and really into/excited about it. Do you know how frustrating that is?! Even after this happens over and over, I still have a longing for most of those failed attempts. I just do not know how to cope with it or what to do. It seems really stupid to want to be “known” for something and doing really well at it, but I would like that. I would like to find my niche.

I feel sometimes that I try to take on too much, but I cannot pick what is most important. To me, they are all equally important. Oh, and I should let you into a little secret…….., I absolutely suck at time management and organizational skills in my home. I can organize other places, my work, school, anywhere else with the exception of my house. I do not understand it at all. I am coming to the conclusion that it has to do with me not being able to differentiate between what things are important to keep and whats ok to let go. What if I get rid of a paper that would be a great keepsake for my kids? So, things pile up. When I get really overwhelmed by this, I treat myself to an episode or two of ‘Hoarders’ and I can be on top of things again for at least a week. Though my house is nowhere near as bad as those on that show, it feels like it to me. I just wish someone would some in, while I’m not home, and go through my stuff for me. I have found that if I go through it, I remember whats there. However, if someone were to do it, I know I wouldn’t miss the stuff tucked away; out of sight, out of mind.

Have you ever felt like this? If so, how did you deal with it? What helped you overcome and still pursue your interests?

Things Change

There has been quite a few changes that happened in the last two weeks. I have withdrawn from my school program, gotten a job (finally and response from all those applications I put in), new financial goals, and my husband is going today to get PRK corrective eye surgery.

I was looking forward to some downtime to readjust after everything that happened at the school and to detox from it but two days before I was finished, I got a call for a position. I am really happy that I finally got a job. It was a surprise that it immediately followed me getting out of school. I have decided, because of the circumstance, that I will pursue the certifications to become a personal trainer on my own and save myself the wasted time at the school.

I am enjoying having a job. It is an easy job and can be redundant however, its money and experience. It also allows us to get in a better place financially faster. Shortly after the New Year, David and I decided to do Dave Ramsey’s Money Makeover. We have already taken steps and are still excited about it. I know it will be hard, nothing worth it is easy, but we will be so happy and debt-free finally. As part of our debt-free journey we sold our 2011 Nissan Rogue this past weekend. I really liked the car and will miss the convience of having 2 vehicles that will hold the whole family but will not miss the monthly payments.

Today David goes to get PRK. He is really excited and really nervous. Having this surgery he would no longer need glasses or contacts, something he is really happy about.., but it is a surgery and with any surgery there are risks and those make him nervous. I can understand his excitement and reservations. I was in his place last April and he was there to reassure me. I just wish I can do the same for him.

It has been a few days since I wrote the above. David has been doing well after his surgery though it seems that last night and today, the worst has finally hit. The excruciating pain that was mentioned came upon him last night. He told me that he didn’t sleep last night because he was up with the pain. I cannot imagine that. He is currently sleeping and I hope that he can get enough rest in today. I am a little worried to leave him and the kids tonight as I have to work.

I don’t know what else to write. I ahve a few things going through my mind and I think they would do better as separate posts than a mesh in one. Until next time!

-Sabrina

Family Fun at Ice Castles

Two Winter’s ago I bought a groupon to the Ice Castles. Normally groupon’s do not last that long but, it so happened that they closed early that year and extended the groupon for those who have not used it yet. We had until February 1, 2013 to use it. We spontaneously decided we need to would go this weekend in hopes that the unusual warm weather would not prevent us to go. So off we headed on a 4 hour car ride. The scenery was beautiful! Here are a couple of pics I took on the way up:

I’m telling you the scenery alone makes Colorado a state worth living in!!

Anyhoo, back to our day. The kids weren’t very excited about the ride and they had no idea where we were going because we wanted it to be a surprise. Thankfully, they really enjoyed the surprise when they found out what it was. We arrived at about 3:00pm and the wonderful people there gave us a voucher to come back that night to see it lit up! And we did! It was a wonderful fun family day. I am so glad we went. I am going to leave you with a few pics from the Ice Castles…

What was your favorite spontaneous family fun day?