Revelation

This has been coming on for weeks. After last Thursday, my post of disappearing and no one would notice, I have been able to put into words what I actually mean by that.

I have also had change therapists…, which for some of my major anxiety has been taking a toll. My new therapist is actually pretty good, an expert in anxiety and stress (which if you know me, is a match). He assured me that one of my anxiety, which affects my life daily and is a HUGE aggravation to me is an easy fix. Yay!! We were to proceed with the process to start correcting that. Then, I had my day last week.

Have you ever felt trapped, imprisoned, suffocating, helpless, desperate, or like your drowning? I have…, I do. Consistently, every day.
Have you felt abandoned,invisible, worthless, like you don’t matter? I do, everyday. Sometimes, I wish I could not care. To forget and exclude people, make them feel the way I do. But, I can’t. Now I know why, it’s a simple answer really…, though I didn’t understand or know why before. The reason: That is not who I am.

I am a very social person. I thrive on it. I grow, learn, love, live it. The core of who I am is social, I NEED it. I am emotionally and mentally invested. I do not take friendships lightly. I am there. All in. What happens when someone who is like this doesn’t have those needs met? It’s what has been happening to me, is happening right now. It’s killing me. I am actually dying inside not having what I need to live off of.

Some of you may not understand or think I am being overly dramatic or putting my happiness in others…., but you see, I am whole when I have social connection. It is just as big of a thing for me to live as food and water. I know not everyone is like this and believe me if I could…., I would give anything to not be this way or need it!!!! But it is me, as a person. It is part of my make up, my soul. And it is dying little by little.

I did not realize this until my therapist laid it out for me. Someone who has only seen me once a week, for one hour, and only one month can tell. I couldn’t. But when he said it, all the pieces fit. It made sense. It’s why I feel everything so much. A turned down request to hang out is like a huge rejection. It is crazy! But now I know. I found that I am so exhausted, not because I am active (I really haven’t been, except for a workout) but because mentally and emotionally I am running a never-ending marathon and it exhausts my body the same way. I just wish I could gain the muscles and stamina as if I did it physically.

For two years I have thrown myself into social situations, desperate for connection and friendship, only to have nothing come of it. I am now beaten down. To make matters worse, my therapist cannot start work on the problem. The reason? No matter what we do, it will not be fixed unless I get connected socially. Because I am a social being, it is who I am, and I am dying from being so wholly disconnected…, we cannot begin to fix it. I’m screwed. I’m stuck. I hate it here. I want to leave. I am dying inside and no one cares. I can’t make them care. I wish more than anything I was NOT this way. I can’t do this.

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One thought on “Revelation

  1. Frankly, I am glad you posted this. I’ve always known your need to get out and be with people was a lot deeper than my need to do the same, but I didn’t know exactly how deep it went. You’ve never spelled it out this clearly and bluntly. Not that I remember, anyway. Perhaps the message was always there, every time we’ve talked, but I somehow missed it, I don’t know. But here it is, in black and white. I finally feel like I get it.

    Still–no one cares? Not true. I have always cared about you, loved you, and enjoyed being in your company. I’ve always appreciated your honesty with me, and your willingness to talk about things, and work them out. I was proud of you when you sought out therapy, and it sounds like you’ve found a good fit.

    I’ll be praying for you, and I’ll be as available as I can be, which isn’t nearly enough for you, I know. You need more than just me.

    I have no answers for you. I just wanted to reassure you of my love for you as a friend, and to reiterate that I do care. ❤ you.

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