This has been coming on for weeks. After last Thursday, my post of disappearing and no one would notice, I have been able to put into words what I actually mean by that.
I have also had change therapists…, which for some of my major anxiety has been taking a toll. My new therapist is actually pretty good, an expert in anxiety and stress (which if you know me, is a match). He assured me that one of my anxiety, which affects my life daily and is a HUGE aggravation to me is an easy fix. Yay!! We were to proceed with the process to start correcting that. Then, I had my day last week.
Have you ever felt trapped, imprisoned, suffocating, helpless, desperate, or like your drowning? I have…, I do. Consistently, every day.
Have you felt abandoned,invisible, worthless, like you don’t matter? I do, everyday. Sometimes, I wish I could not care. To forget and exclude people, make them feel the way I do. But, I can’t. Now I know why, it’s a simple answer really…, though I didn’t understand or know why before. The reason: That is not who I am.
I am a very social person. I thrive on it. I grow, learn, love, live it. The core of who I am is social, I NEED it. I am emotionally and mentally invested. I do not take friendships lightly. I am there. All in. What happens when someone who is like this doesn’t have those needs met? It’s what has been happening to me, is happening right now. It’s killing me. I am actually dying inside not having what I need to live off of.
Some of you may not understand or think I am being overly dramatic or putting my happiness in others…., but you see, I am whole when I have social connection. It is just as big of a thing for me to live as food and water. I know not everyone is like this and believe me if I could…., I would give anything to not be this way or need it!!!! But it is me, as a person. It is part of my make up, my soul. And it is dying little by little.
I did not realize this until my therapist laid it out for me. Someone who has only seen me once a week, for one hour, and only one month can tell. I couldn’t. But when he said it, all the pieces fit. It made sense. It’s why I feel everything so much. A turned down request to hang out is like a huge rejection. It is crazy! But now I know. I found that I am so exhausted, not because I am active (I really haven’t been, except for a workout) but because mentally and emotionally I am running a never-ending marathon and it exhausts my body the same way. I just wish I could gain the muscles and stamina as if I did it physically.
For two years I have thrown myself into social situations, desperate for connection and friendship, only to have nothing come of it. I am now beaten down. To make matters worse, my therapist cannot start work on the problem. The reason? No matter what we do, it will not be fixed unless I get connected socially. Because I am a social being, it is who I am, and I am dying from being so wholly disconnected…, we cannot begin to fix it. I’m screwed. I’m stuck. I hate it here. I want to leave. I am dying inside and no one cares. I can’t make them care. I wish more than anything I was NOT this way. I can’t do this.