I’m Busy……

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I feel know I start most posts with: “I know it’s been a while” or some lame thing like that. So, I am going to try not to do that. So, this is what I have been doing/going through:

 

I feel as though I haven’t been able to catch my breath in months.

I haven’t read more than one book in 2-3 months.

 

I have started school in pursuit of becoming a personal fitness trainer.

I have struggled with new knowledge of tracking your health by clothing size and the number the scale says is not the best. ( I will have to devote a post solely on that topic)

I have had many moments of panic, thanks to my hubby’s work, on trying to find last-minute child care for my kids. 

I have started putting out resumes and looking for a job in a gym so 1) I can gain work experience and 2) we really need some extra income.

I did a couple of weeks interning at a boot camp place. It was really nice.

I switched from day classes to night classes. Which, on its own, is a hard adjustment.

My class this term (kinesiology) is really kicking my butt and we are only a week in.

I don’t get to see my kids and husband at all some days.

Oh, and we barely made it through the holidays. Mainly because I have been so busy with school that I have not been ready for it. They all sneaked up on me this last year.

 

I have felt so overwhelmed and stressed with all of this. I cannot prevent getting in distress because I cannot tell what my signs are of it coming on. The base offers a free stress management workshop that I have signed up for in hopes it can help me. Being stressed does no good for me or my family. I have spent random days/times just crying for an hour or more. Not good! I do not like it.

I have tendency to let myself freak out over stuff that hasn’t happened or that I feel I cannot accomplish. Most recently, I have been offered a job as  personal fitness trainer, I am freaking out because I am already thinking of all the reasons I cannot do it. I know I have lots of learning, I am continually asking questions and learning what I can, I have everyone else telling me I can do this, and I am the only one telling myself why I cannot succeed before I even try. I am setting myself up defeat before I have really made an effort. I am constantly battling this with the job and school. I do not know why I do this. Sometimes I fall for it and give up or quit….., other times I get determined and make myself do it. I never know which one is going to happen. I am trying to fight it now.

I fully intended to start post everyday or at least several times a week, then an avalanche fell. I want to reach out to people, even if it is through my journey and struggles. But, how can I if I cannot find time to post it out there? Or have the courage to just write my struggles without fear of being judged, laughed at, made fun of, or criticized. I know some people will not understand or they will judge, I cannot help that, but I do not want it to stop me if I can reach those who need to hear that I have been there or I am going through it, too. 

I do not want my fears and “what ifs” to hold me back. If we all did that, we wouldn’t have some of the most wonderful ideas, books, stories, movies, and many other things that we do if those people let their fears hold them back. Right?

 

Now that it is the New Year, I know that there are resolutions that have been made and are being made. Mine is just simply going to be:

 

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What are your resolutions or changes you are striving to make this year?

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Writing

I love writing. I just feel like I don’t have anything to say. Many times I log onto wordpress and just stare at the screen. Nothing comes to me. Though I itch to say something, anything. When I go through my day I notice many things that I can make a post on, then when I sit down to write and recall…., and whatever I was going to say seems so insignificant and trivial that I cannot get the inspiration from it that I had earlier in the day. I am not sure if it is due to being burnt out by the end of the day and so tired or why I just draw a blank.

For example, yesterday was CRAZY busy. The morning I had to get my oldest off to school, run to the post office (at which my youngest decided it would be a great time to disappear on me. There is nothing to give you a bad start to a day like a partial heart and panic attack.), drop things off at the library, get gas, and run to a store. I get home in time for lunch and clean up I had to bake cupcakes, hem a flag for my boys’ cub scouts, pick up the kids from school (which I was late at picking them up), run across town to speech appointment, get home have the kids do homework, finish the flag, icing the cupcakes, get dinner, and make the scout meeting. All the while my little one is throwing a fit for cupcakes which ended with chocolate icing on the counter, floor, and cabinets (YAY! I get to clean in the middle of the rush). Needless to say in the quiet moments I had while the meeting was going on, I realized I had an extremely overwhelming day to which I am about to add school for myself on top of it. I don’t think I can do it, survive, and still be somewhat mentally stable.

Today, I am trying to decide if I should have a lazy day. The weather today is cloudy, gray, and rainy; I think it is trying to convince me to be lazy. Today (Wednesdays) and Fridays are the only days of the week that we do not have after school obligations. I really want the boys to have some down time but I have a hard time allowing myself down time.

In spite of all the daily stuff going on, I am trying to finish my certification for Pregnancy Fitness Educator. I need to put together several group classes and hold them. There is just one problem: I have no idea how to put one together. I have googled, read through books at Barnes and Noble, asked friends, and facebooked to no avail. I get overwhelmed with all the exercises…, they are all beneficial so which do you leave out? On top of that I do not have the equipment and cannot afford to purchase what I need right now.

Well, that is all I have for today. I didn’t meant to be so random but these are what I struggle with everyday.

What is your daily battles? And are they overwhelming you or do you have a process that helps you handle it?

Daily Goings On

There has been so many times over the last few weeks that I wanted to write and post something. I would either get distracted or I would log in and just stare at the screen with a blank mind. Today, I just had to get one and write something. I decided I would just let you in on what our normal everday life has been the last couple of weeks.

A few weeks ago I began scouring the stores for school suppies. After a few days of nothing else but shopping, I aquired everything. Then, school started. My oldest was excited for it and glad to be around kids his age and make friends. My other one has been really quite, almost on the verge of tears, not one fell…, except for today (I think getting back to school after the weekend break made it the more difficult). Also, this morning my little one woke up with a tummy ache and proceeded to vomit at the breakfast table (what more could I want on a Monday morning?).

Last week, I started really pursueing and being contacted by schools for myself. I orginally put feelers out just to get ideas and decide when would be best for me to start. Everything feel so smoothly into place that this week, I go to sign up and get everything going for the start of the next term. I am both excited and nervous for this. I am also fighting guilt because I will have to have someone watch my litle one instead of me being home.

Among all those things we have had regular appointments, piano lessons, school meetings (which contonue this week) for various programs, upcoming boy scout meetings, hubby working 15 hour days (which thanksfully have stopped this week, or is suppose to), budget, paying bills, grocery shopping, and trying to aqueeze in family time. It’s exhausting!

I am currently on the couch with my little, typing on my new ipad (THANKS HONEY!), because oh yeah! My laptop died last week/week and a half. I am trying to navigate this new piece of technology.

I hope to post more and yet everytime I say that, something comes along or mothing comes to mind. I really love the feel of typing and putting my thoughts and words out there. I know I would have better chances of success if I stick to a theme or topics, but my life isn’t just one theme, it’s a crazy mess of different things going on all at the same time or one after another. I just like writing about those, my life, my experiences, and my thoughts (which are really crazy and out there sometimes). My goal is to find some way to attract people in and keep them interested without giving up the variety.

Well, I have to go cuddle my sick one. I hope your week started off well and only gets better! Till next time!

So Much.

I have not written a new post in a while though my fingers are itching to type.

There has been so much going on, my older boys went and spent half the summer with grandparents, we started potty training our youngest (what a ride), working on my certification, getting back into exercising, and all the little things that pop up.

This last week I started on The Skinny Rules by Bob Harper (from The Biggest Loser). I really like all him and loved the DVDs when I was first beginning to workout and lose weight. I need to lose the several pounds I gained since my surgery. I don’t want to loose all the progress I have made over the last couple of years. So, Here I am. I was hesitant to try Skinny Rules because I have been eating a vegan diet for 2 years and I like eating vegan but I wanted to try partly for my husband and just to see if there was a difference for me. Turns out, there is…, I can’t do it. I can eat animal based foods every now and then, just not in any huge amount but my body feels and functions better on a plant based diet. So now I am looking at Appetite for Reduction by Isa Chandra Moskowitz. I love her recipes and haven’t been disappointed yet. I now have to go through and pick recipes from the book, it takes time.

Beyond that, I attended my first CAPPA conference and attending a training for pregnancy fitness educator. Now I have to write 2 papers on either pregnancy fitness or pregnancy nutrition (or one of each). I have no idea what to do them on, so if you have any input, I am open to suggestions.

My beloved MacBook decided to die today as well, I am sad. Though I am happy that I have my netbook, it is hard to get use too the smaller screen. It could be free to fix it or cost us $425 which is not possible right now, so it will be stored until a later time.

As the summer comes to a close, I am getting all the school supplies and clothes while my boys start piano this week. So much going on, so much to do.

Do you feel overwhelmed by all the things you have to do?
What are some of those things?

Firsts

Today I began helping my two oldest pack for an upcoming trip. This summer they will both spend a portion of the summer with their grandparents, for the first tome. They are both extremely excited for this opportunity. However, I am terrified, anxious, nervous, excited, and looking forward to it. As a parent, I feel horrible when I want and crave time away from my kids. I love them all so much and I feel like I am a bad mom when I get time away from them that I either do not enjoy it or I spend a few days after beating myself up for having fun away. As I have posted before, I read Parenting with Love & Logic and in the book, they said the best thing we can do for our kids is to take care of ourselves. But 20 years of an idea that you stop your life when you have children to take care of them, is a hard change that way of thinking. Knowing they will enjoy the time is the only thing keeping me from keeping them home. I have seriously discussed with my husband that we should get them dog tags with the address and phone numbers of us and both the grandparents, you may laugh…, but I’m serious!!! I have also expressed that we should get them a cell phone, not a plan but maybe a prepaid one. The fear driving these is the fact that I haven’t taught our children our address, phone numbers, how to use a phone, etc. The main reason I haven’t is because we moved less than a year ago so we have different numbers and address the other reason is I just plain ol’ forgot! Horrible, I know! I am frantic trying to teach them what they would need to know in the short time before they leave. So, the dog tags and/or phone would give them that information at any time they need it. I wish someone would tell me what I should do. I keep reminding myself that my husband and I were raised my these people and we are still alive today, I just hope they haven’t forgotten what it is like to keep tabs on children. :-).

The other first, I just scheduled to start my oldest two in piano lessons! This is something I’ve always wanted to do and haven’t had the chance. Music, though I do not know how to read it or listen and pick out tones and all, has always been a major part of my life. I love it! I have noticed some of the same tendencies in my oldest and I want to get him into it so he can know for sure if it is a passion of his so he can pursue it. My middle one is interested in the piano and I want him to be able to find out if it is something he really likes. Doing this for them makes me very anxious to get into and try all those things that have pulled at me but, I was never able to do because we couldn’t afford it. I am excited to offer this to my kids.

So, those are some of the firsts we are experiencing in our lives. It is exciting and scary all at the same time but I know we won’t regret trying them, even if we find we don’t prefer them.

What are some of the firsts you are attempting this summer and upcoming school year with your family? How do you feel about it? How do you handle your reservations on the new experience?

Parenting

We all imagine parenting as this wonderful fantasy in which we know exactly what to whenever issues arise. That our family is one always exuding love, happiness, and utter joy. We never have to raise our voices, there are no hateful words spoken, and everyone gets along. However…., we are wrong, terribly wrong. In actuality we as parents have no idea what we are doing starting from those first days with our newborn. As our baby cries and we are sleep deprived and desperately trying to comfort him to no avail and we end up holding our screaming (sometimes thrashing) newborn and crying ourselves. It’s overwhelming. It’s tough. It’s an adventure. It’s nothing like we have ever encountered before. It’s HARD!

I have been in the midst of my own battle with parenting. With an (almost) 9, (almost) 7, and a 3 1/2 year old, ALL boys, they give me a run for my sanity. My husband and I have tried so many things. Not one thing works all the time for every situation. I have read several books, all of which fail to give me the tools for the particular and even common situations we all parents deal with. So, it never works. Sure, I can understand concepts and ideas but without the tools I am left floundering and end up resorting to the yelling, screaming, take all their toys (anything fun) away, and yes even sometimes spanking (it’s how I grew up, I do not use it all the time and wish I never did or feel like I have to). I have also watched the shows, my favorite is Super Nanny ( I just LOVE Jo!). However, the show shows the worst family situations, no structure, no consistency, no discipline. We don’t have that problem so that never works for me. Now, let me say quickly, I do use the naughty step and out of all my children, it has only ever worked for the 3 1/2 year old! So I do still use that. Bottom line is that I do a lot of the yelling and we are all miserable and I still have no tools that I feel, as a parent, that I can use and feel good about. This has led me to the current parenting book I have picked up. The book is Parenting with Love & Logic. I am half way through and I understand the concept that the authors outline in Part 1 and so I have moved onto Part 2 where EVERY thing in part 2 is the tools you need for specific situations, laid out alphabetically!!!! Heaven right?! I sure hope so. I have only started implementing these actions and though they make sense, it’s hard! When you are use to a particular reaction that seems ingrained, you have to mentally and physically be aware ALL the time and stop yourself and redo how you interact with your children. It hasn’t been a week and I feel tired from it plus, my kids have no problem pushing me until even I think I will just bust and yell for that release of frustration.

I have good feelings about this one and I have heard lots of god things about it as well. I hope that this will help me make the change from the always yelling, threatening, miserable parenting I’ve been using to a much calmer interaction with my kids. I think the hardest part for me will be giving up control. I like things a certain way (my way, obviously) but I know my children are their own person and they will learn the best by making decisions and living the consequences.

Essential Oils: Trying Something New

I have heard little things from a few friends about using essential oils for different things, such as peppermint oil for headaches and congestion, but I haven’t really delved into it. Basically it went in one ear and out the other. Recently a friend of a close friend moved here and so my friend, Tiffany invited me to a gathering her friend Kim was having to explain the oils. I became really intrigued. I talked with my husband that night and we decided we would give it a shot. We decided for the range of uses that it would be worth the start up to see if they work. I am usually skeptical about things like this so I like to try it for a while before I completely make up my mind.

Did you know that essential oils have different grades? That some in the stores, no matter how expensive, are not safe to ingest? This company of oils: Young Living Essential Oils are pretty much top of the line. You can ingest them, use them topically, diffuse them, use them on children, make your own things (toothpaste, cleaner, diaper rash cream, bug spray, and much more), put a few in your water, and even cook with them!

So, here I am at the very beginning of my trial and error with these oils. Thus far, I have had 3-4 opportunities to try. The first was with my 6 year old son. He has gotten migraines the last two years. Once she heard this, Kim gave me a sample of the M-Grain and it worked! I still want to try it a few more times to ensure that the oil actually helped and it wasn’t just a fluke but I have hope. The second time, my hubby had a sore throat and we used Thieves, he put 2 drops in 2 oz of water twice the one day and not only was it better that same day, it was completely gone the next! He was very happy and impressed. Next, my 3 year old woke up really runny, snotty, congested, sneezy, watery eyes; I wasn’t sure if it was a cold or allergies but, I rubbed 2 drops of Thieves on the bottom of each of his feet and rubbed it in clockwise and we was visibly better by lunch time plus he enjoyed the mini foot massage! The last time, my 6 year old woke up feeling really nauseous so I put a drop of Peppermint on his tongue and he was good!

Again, these are just the beginning and I am anxious to try some others and to make my own toothpaste and hand soap! I just wanted to share because not all essential oils are created equal and these are safe whereas the store bought ones are not safe in all uses nor do they work as well.

I will share more updates as I try new things with these!!! I hope you have a Happy Easter!!

A Big Decision

I guess you can say I have been working on making this decision over the last year. Over the last two weeks it has come to fruition.

I have been overweight my whole life then I had 3 children that also came with weight gain. About two and a half years ago I made a change in my eating habits and activity level (I started working out) and through that I have lost just under 50 pounds and I am now at a healthy weight ad size and have been for the last two years. However all the weight and pregnancy has taken a toll on my body. I have quite a bit of excess skin and through breastfeeding, weight gain, & weight loss…, lets just say my boobs are not in good standing. So my husband and I began talking about surgery to fix these. I am at the point now that I have done everything through exercising that I can and there isn’t anything that will change my areas except for surgery.

I am and have been struggling with this. I am terrified of surgery. Surgery is a big deal, there are risks and it is not to be taken lightly. But, I also struggle with my body image since my weight loss. I know I should be proud of what I accomplished, but for whatever reason, I can’t appreciate it. As I have said there is nothing more I can do; I am at a fork in the road,I can go one way and live with how my body is now or I can go the other way and let a doctor fix what no one or nothing else can. I have tried for a year to go the way of just living with how my body is, being proud of how I got to where I am and have the marks to prove it. However, I can’t. When I have struggled with body image and weight my whole life, I feel like I should be able to wear a bikini (for the first time in my life since I was 3) and not feel self conscious anytime I have a roll, wondering if it is fat or extra skin and how it looks in my clothes. I even hope (by a long shot) that maybe I can eventually wear a silk dress. I won’t know for sure until the surgery is done but I want to be able to enjoy have a “hot body” for the first time in my life.

I also struggle with letting people know that I am getting these surgeries done. I feel that anytime you hear of someone having cosmetic surgery it is for shallow reasons and I never thought I would consider it. Now I know through the journey I am going through that it is not necessarily the case. But I still look down on myself for considering it and actually going through with it. No matter how I feel I know (for me and my struggles) that I have to do it…, it is the only option I have. I cannot live with the way my body is now. I am tearing my self down mentally and it sucks!

I wrote this post because I need to let it out. I This is an outlet for me and yes, I worry about who reads this (that knows me personally) and what they will think or say…, but I’ve been down every other avenue and they didn’t work out. So, please just think of me. This is a big decision and I have exhausted all other options, I don’t expect it to fix everything but I do hope that it will help.

Have you ever felt like this? What did you do? Did you have a great support system? Comment and let me know! I can use all the encouragement I can get.

Project Simplify 2012: Week 1

So, I made it through my first week/challenge of Project Simplify. It was a hard time to get going because I couldn’t decide what area to do but once I did it was fairly easy.

I went with the chosen hot spot which was kid stuff. I already did a major purge of my children’s things, that is I took away ALL of there toys, and yet they were able to make a mess out of nothing. We also moved my boys into a new room so the before pics are in the old room and the after pics are in their new room.

Here are my before pics:

Is the old room. As you can see there aren’t any toys just the dresser and bed.

This is the storage room where all toys were stored.

Those are the two before, they would be better pics if my children hadn’t lost the privilege of toys a few weeks before. But it was nice timing for setting them back up with said toys (just a smaller amount).

Here are the after pics:

this is in the new room. I bought a 3-drawer storage from Target and labeled one for each child. They then went through all the toys in storage and were only allowed to keep toys that fit/filled the drawer and ones they really wanted to keep, as long as the drawer closed.

The other side of the room. We put our small legos and lincoln logs in the blue drawers so we didn’t have so many different boxes and containers that were dumped out. Now they are able to take the drawer out to get to all of the pieces.

I can’t wait to begin work on the next hot spot, the kitchen, it needs the most work! See you next week!!

Project Simplify

I have been reading Tsh’s blog for a while now and every time she does project simplify I yearn to participate. I have had many obstacles that prevented me from participating in the past but, lucky me I can this year!!!

I almost let some frustrations and excuses stop me and after a brief (maybe a bit longer) moment of trepidation, I put my big girl panties on and I am determined to whip my areas into shape!!!! I have also been waiting for years to do this and I am being held accountable through the blog sphere. So, tune in each week sometime between Friday-Monday you can see what I did that week and my hope/thoughts for the next!

This week’s area is kid’s stuff. I am debating on using this challenge to move and set up my boys room (because I just cleaned out and went through all their toys), go through my hubby’s massive amounts of things (he can be counted as a kid too, right?), or pick another area all together as those without children will do. I guess I better get on the ball and pick so I can get to it!!!