I intended to make a two part admittance to a few things I am struggling with. It just so happened that one of my best friends called the night my Part 1 was posted. We talked about it. I didn’t feel the need to post it as much since I had the relief from talking with her. But, I will fill you in so you aren’t dying of curiosity.
Have you ever been in a competition with one or more of yours friends? Whether it been acknowledged or silent, within yourself?
I have and I am struggling with it more and more. In all my (almost) 26 years, I have never felt the need to compare or one up any of my friends, till about 2 years ago. I have prided myself with the fact I ca get along with just about anyone and I accept people for who and how they are. Then one day a friends walked into my life and some of my views/qualities faltered a bit.
I am not a skinny person by no means. I have friends of all shapes, sizes, personalities, etc. This girl was great to hang out with, we had fun as I always do with my friends. Slowly she started bagging on my children. I talked with her (cause as everyone knows, you do not pick on any mother’s child!) I thought after talking with her all is good. Well, I got pregnant and of course gained weight, thankfully I was able to go back to my pre-pregnancy size (but I still had some from my first 2 before this pregnancy). Needless to say I was quite happy I didn’t have any extra to work with! My “friend” started making comments about people hitting on her (she is married with 3 children as well) and talked about how it was an ego booster, etc. Well, the first time I blew it off to excitement but it keep going more and more she would mention “I was out and….”. I started paying a bit more attention and got the feeling that it was meant to be a knock at me. Because no one would “hit on me” and more but I won’t go into everything. It started to work I guess because naturally I got defensive and started breaking her down, in my mind, to make me feel better and found that when someone would say they didn’t think she was pretty and all, well that I felt better about myself. Then I would feel horrible.
Over time and lots of analyzing I discovered that the reason I was feeling so bad was because I never did this or encountered it, even in middle school! I didn’t like it at all. I have some really beautiful friends and I didn’t compare or feel insignificant and they didn’t make me feel less in any way. I hated not being able to enjoy just hanging out and that this one person made everything feel like a competition. In all honestly I have felt a little self conscious and started to compare myself to some of my friends, but it was only seconds before I was able to nip it in the bud and go back to having fun and being myself. I mean they all liked me for me so I was doing something right, right?!