Relieving Some of the Burden Part 1

We all have our “secrets”/qualms about us that we don’t share with everyone. Maybe we wait until we really know a person, then let them in on the secret (or secrets, whichever the case may be). Then there are the ones you try to hide/keep from everyone no matter how close you are to that person. Myself, I have a few things I haven’t been completely honest about. I have feel like I am called to just lay it all out on the table. So, I will; though I am cringing because I know how absolutely ridiculous they sound, but nonetheless, they burden me.

Ok, so where to start? I guess I will just jump right in and spill. Sorry if they come out jumbled or spread out, you have been fore warned! Once I get to talking, I like to involve as much detail as I can so I figure splitting it up into parts will be best so for part 1, here goes!

I am going to start with my “ant” issue. I cringe as I write this, because out of everything I know this one is the most ridiculous. I never did pay them much attention. I look back and before THE event, I cannot recall them standing out to me, ever! It was in Louisiana just after Gus Gus was born. While I was in the hospital, Hubby moved us into base housing. We had ants in our kitchen, no matter what we did they wouldn’t go away. Now, I will not eat because I literally feel sick to my stomach with them where my food is. So, I avoided the kitchen. I went to get food and ate out. Well, my MIL came to visit to see the baby and because of other circumstances, I took Roo and baby Gus Gus and followed her back to Alabama. We (my hubby and I) were giving the car I was driving to my sister. It was an “extra” car we had that sat for awhile, so we tried to help my sister out cause she needed a car. Well, along the way I discovered an ant crawling on the ceiling of the car. I didn’t really think anything of it, just killed it and kept on. I noticed that more and more were making their presence known. We stop fr gas and to feed the kids and I check, you know out of curiosity. I found them all over! I start, get ready cause I just know you are going to laugh, if you aren’t already, freaking out! I am talking crying and I feel sick to my stomach. I call my Hubby just bawling. I can’t believe the ants have the nerve to invade MY house, then MY car, and are crawling all over MY stuff and MY son, and MY new baby!!!! I was furious! That fueled my crying even more. Because even when I am mad, no other reason just so mad I want to spit, the waterworks start. I hate that because it makes me feel weak. Anyway, back with the story. My MIL reluctantly switched vehicles with me so I can remove myself and my boys from the situation. Once we arrived at her house, I need to unload all the stuff that was in the car. Again, I lost it! They were everywhere! In EVERYTHING!!!! I washed and washed, shook out things, sprayed and everything imaginable to rid my stuff of all the ants. I didn’t step back into that car for anything! I called my dad and he found someone else who wanted/needed the car (there was no way in H-E- double hockey sticks that I was going to drive that car another 5-6 hours to my sister, SORRY!). So my dad came and picked up the car and I rid myself of that. But, it doesn’t stop there. Oh no!

It has been 4 years and I still have issues with ants. After the car, I still let them get to me. I would watch outside on the ground, I knew where any were. I made my children and my self stomp our feet before getting into our vehicles. I will not sit on the ground, even on a blanket or chair because ants live there. Food is not allowed anywhere but at the table and kitchen, and I will not leave any dish dirty. Food, especially sugar is tightly sealed and if need be, kept in the fridge (as extra precaution). I will not stay in any place where there is ants. I stay in more expensive hotels to insure that the possibility is slim to none.

I have stayed with family (every time at my MIL’s and sometimes my mom’s) that happen to have an ant problem at some point during my stay, and the outcome is the same; I freak, cry, and go on a insane cleaning binge. I actually clean their house while I am there 1) to make sure we do not leave a mess and 2) to limit the chances of occurring unwanted pest(s). My mom tells me they never have any problems with ants until I come to visit. She says it’s like they seek me out and know I am there! If that’s true, then I am telling you ants right now: Don’t bother! Leave me alone!! I will kill you all that come across my path! You can stay outside where you belong but once you come inside a building or car, you have crossed the line!!! it’s ON!!!! My hubby goes into the kitchen, feeds the boys, cleans them up, and I get my food out. I do not go into the room they are in. My husband has put up with so much craziness because of my issue. I am surprised he has not left me on the grounds of “She has lost her ever-loving mind!”. I love him even more for not judging me or making me feel stupid. He has submitted to every insane request, cleaned so much, rid places of the ants, and anything I need. It has actually happened again after the birth of Little E. Our stay with my mom was coming to a close, when we get invaded. Seriously, I mean invaded, it was a take over mission! Cross my heart!! It was HUBBY TO THE RESCUE! He is my hero and saved me from them!

So, I need to take a moment and say to my husband: “Babe, thanks for putting up with my craziness and not making me feel insignificant or humiliate me because of it. Instead you have taken it all in stride. You supported and comforted me any and every time I need you. Thanks so much! I love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know. More than I show, I’m sorry for not revealing it as much as I should. Thank you for continuing to be here for me.”

Now I need to clear something up. I do not think badly of my family’s house or anyone’s house unless they are completely and utterly nasty. Most people I know aren’t nasty. When I do see an ant(s) I still do not think the house is unclean, I focus on getting rid of them, figuring out what they came for, and making sure none got into my family’s belongings or vehicles. I don’t want to bring them back or give them a place to inhabit. Where I live now has helped curb some of the intensity. I can take my boys to the park (though I do not frequent them, you know I don’t want to increase my chances), I also will not put Little E on the ground. I am known as having an OCD of cleaning. I mean I grew up with my parents having a really clean house, having a crawling not-yet-eating-table-food baby has impacted the level of said “OCD”. So, can you get an idea of how this feels? I mean logically I KNOW this is insane and I shouldn’t let this keep bothering me, but it never fails that I react the same way and some habits that I have formed from this, I fall back into at a moments notice. I still will get physically ill when I hear the word ant. I can barely say it myself, I even get a small wave of nausea typing it.

Yeah, I know what you are thinking: “This girl is completely bonkers!” But to me this reasoning is just! You might also say, “Ants? Why zero in on ants and not just all bugs?” Well, it’s because of a mix of things, both emotionally, psychologically, and hormonally. I have been to a psychiatrist, though not a very good one, but I moved and I haven’t picked up going again. I drive myself crazy with out completely idiotic this whole things is, but I feel helpless to change it. I hate that something so normal, that everyone has come in contact with shatters my world so extremely. I envy all who isn’t bothered with it and can experience things fully without this mishap or fear of. I also don’t want to be the reason my children miss out on outside play, camping, and every other boy-related growing experience. I just do not know what will make this go away. I am sorry for going on, but you were warned! I close with this: Please do not judge me or think any less of me. I hope you understand what it took for me to be open and honest about this secret.

Sabrina

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